5 Resolutions Everyone Needs to Follow

By Eva Vigh

With the inevitable approach of a new year, we suddenly find ourselves with an inexplicable urge to adopt outrageous (and borderline impossible) resolutions. Perhaps waiting till January 1st to become a Better You holds some astrological merit, but more than likely it’s just another marketing tool to lure you into an overpriced gym membership. So instead of the annual pledge to lose weight, find a better job, marry Chris Pratt and end global hunger (blame Anna Faris), here’s five realistic resolutions you don’t need a holiday to commit to.

1. Become a Snapchat whore

One or two snaps are all it takes for proof you’re at a party (also, that you’re extremely intoxicated), but why stop there? Be sure to record blurry footage of your friend’s drunk rendition of “Love me harder” by Ariana Grande, the number of drinks you’ve consumed and the color of your underwear. Side note: it’s always fun trying to discreetly view a Snapchat at work only to be blasted by loud music and profanity.

2. Become an #Instagram #whore, too

Please document every single #meal you’ve eaten today/this past week/ since you were born, and every #Starbucks #latte purchased so you can simultaneously show off how #blessed you and your new #manicure are.

3. Create a password you’re guaranteed to never remember

Instead of boring passwords like the one you’ve had since fifth grade or your mother’s maiden name, why not try a random combination of letters and numbers that only appear to hold a pattern? It makes logging on to your Amazon account that much more exciting!

4. Don’t go to your 8 am class

Waking up before dawn to head to your morning calculus class may be your favorite part of the week, but give yourself a break. Your stellar attendance, especially during the frigid days of winter, displays an irresponsible neglect of your bed. After all, you didn’t pay tuition to actually go to class, did you?

5. Aim for zero hours of sleep a night

As Benjamin Franklin (or some internet meme) once proclaimed, “you can sleep when you’re dead.” Because college students tend to be youthful and full of energy, we have become biologically adapted to function off very little Z’s. So, in between school, work, studying, extracurriculars, chores and a bit of a social life, no need to waste time hitting the sack. Try to pull as many all nighters as you can for a healthy, balanced and emotionally stable life.

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