Drunk Texting: A How-To

By Lev Novak

Drunk texting isn’t a good idea.

You’re probably going to do it anyway. Lots of things aren’t great ideas- rap-battling people at the party, for example, but you’re still going to do them. Being drunk only helps.

It’s not up to me to judge me. It’s my job to help. If you are going to drunk text, follow these tips.

1. Have No Immediacy.

I know- you want to see Angela right now. You’ve had four beers and then there was whiskey and, man, why not?

I’m not going to tell you not to text someone when you drink. I will, however, tell you the basic tip which everyone forgets while drinking- that it’s a marathon, not a race.

If you like someone, but shouldn’t absolutely text them, that can fit into two categories- maybe you’re shy, and you need alcohol to loosen up, or maybe you’re shy for a reason, and maybe you shouldn’t text them for a reason. If you are going to text them no matter what, though, you should settle just for the text.

“Yoooooooooooo,” while not the best drunk text, is a lot better than “whatchu up to?”

The first text is- well, it isn’t ambiguous, but it gives you protection. They can ignore that text, or they can respond as a friend, or they can send you the winky-face jackpot. But either way, you’re asking them– you’re putting the ball gently in their court, and you can play it off the next day- or next weekend- however you want. You were being friendly, or drunk, or flirty- it’s whatever.

If on the other hand, you try to get with them that night- while sloppy, while it’s late- you’re burning bridges rather than building them. And if they don’t respond, the “yooooooo” text retains some dignity. The “come over” text does not.

2. Drunk Text Old Friends

Hey, you might as well, right? Drunk texting doesn’t just have to be for sloppy makeouts- it can be used to be friendly to those that you miss in other states, places, or even other parties. Open up old friendships. Drunkenly give support. Be a good friend and shoot off the sort of text you’ll be proud you sent the night before.

3. Limit Yourself to Two (2) Texts to the Same Person

You should only text once, generally, but sometimes you’re drunk. If you know the person well, especially, a double-text can be permitted. If a friend said they were going to hang out with you, you can follow through.

That said, generally speaking, you should never, ever triple-text. Double-texting happens, and everyone will forgive it. A triple-text, though, is a whole different beast. Be aware.

4. Don’t Be Mean

Ultimately, you can be whatever you want- sloppy, friendly, flirty, or even incomprehensible- as long as you aren’t mean. That’s the ultimate drunk sin, and it’s nothing you want a part of.

If you think you’re going to be mean, just ask yourself- is this something that’s going to be really hard to deal with while I’m drunk? The answer is yes, and not in the fun way, like eating a bunch of messy wings. Also, ask yourself- if I’m drunk, aren’t there more fun things I can do? The answer is yes, like eating a bunch of messy wings.

So don’t be mean. Drunk dial a chicken place instead. Take it out on that. Not so good for your stomach, but much, much better for your soul.

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