How To Watch The World Cup (If You Don’t Care About Soccer)

By Lev Novak

Well, it’s soccer season.

Or “Futball” or whatever it is you Europeans call it. It’s the sport where people kick the ball around a lot, and as someone who can’t even bothered to play soccer video games, I’m not exactly the target audience for your lil’ “biggest sporting event in the world.”

But sometimes you have to play along.

A lot of my friends care about the World Cup, and seeing as I care about my friends and my summer, that means I have to care as well. Because nobody wants to hang out with a sneering jerk who mocks what they love, I have to turn my sarcasm into something more sincere.

I have to like the World Cup.

1. Make Up Your Own Rules

The key to enjoying a sporting event you don’t care about is to make up your own rules to it.

Now, these rules have nothing to do with what’s going to happen on the field. This is just for you and your own enjoyment. Because you don’t care about the game, you have to find something to care about, something to focus on.

Pick a player every game with the silliest name. He is your favorite. Your hero. When he doesn’t have the ball, you’re furious- the team should pass it to him!

There is a player named Fŕbregas, who is pretty good. More importantly, his name is super fun to yell or wail. Fŕbregas! Fŕbregasssssss! Let’s go Fabby!

You’ll be annoying, but you’ll care. And that’s a start.

2. Distractions

If your friends insist on watching the game at a bar, bring a friend who doesn’t care as much. You can split your attention with the friend and the game, and if you only care somewhat about either, you’ll have a fine time with the two combined.

Or! If you’re hosting or a friend is hosting the game, put yourself on snack and beer duty. You’ll get tons of points, and you don’t even care about the game- it’s no sweat off your back to go pick stuff up, or to make the nachos to perfection.

The best part? On top of all the praise you get, you get to choose the snacks and beers yourself. Not a bad bonus, all things considered.

You’ll notice that “your phone” is not on this list. I don’t care if the game is boring- you’re with your friends. Avoid the phone as all but a last resort.

3. Learn

If all else fails, learn about the game.

You may as well. Don’t ask too many questions, but watch carefully. Maybe we’re missing something about the game- I mean Baseball, at its core, sounds stupid too. So maybe give it a chance. Learn to love the poetry of the game, and…what’s the score?

Zero to zero?

After an hour!?

Screw this. I’m watching the NBA Finals.

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