The 5 Worst Things at College Parties Nobody Talks About

By Dane Jones

You’ve spent the entire week grinding out barely passable assignments, but it’s Friday, and now it’s time to go. completely. nuts. Forget about groceries, or rent, or getting ahead on next week’s work, that wall clock says it’s party time. You blast the ignorant music with lyrics that would do nothing but disappoint your family. You’re pumped, potentially stumbling around, but you’re ready to go out. The 15-minute trek to the party is cold and wet, but you get inside and it’s loud, and you begin to realize that this isn’t everything it’s made out to be. You try to make the best of your situation, but here are some things that can really kill your vibe.

1. Sticky Floors

What the hell is on the floor? Two steps are all it takes to realize that something has gone terribly wrong. Your sole has been blessed with some beer, a few crushed skittles and a tampon you can only hope to subtly scrape off with your other shoe. How does anyone live here by choice? Anything that’s been dropped on the floor must be left behind.

2. Not Knowing Anybody

Your friend has a friend whose roommate’s sister is throwing a party, and (s)he’s pretty sure the both of you can get in. By the grace of god, you get in, and it’s negative fun because you know nobody. There’s literally nothing worse than trying to ask about a random person’s major over the sounds of Juicy J celebrating everything that is drugs. His name is Ryan? Bryan? It doesn’t really matter, chances are you won’t see him ever again. The only thing you get from the conversation is that Bryan (Brandon?) is a philosophy… no a psychology maj-YOU SAY NO TO DRUGS, JUICY J CAN’T.

3. “That guy”

The flipside of not knowing anybody, is knowing almost everybody, except for “that guy”. “That guy” is sketchy, and a conversation with him leaves you feeling a little uneasy. Everybody has encountered “that guy”. If you’re unsure if you’ve run into “that guy” at a party, here are a few hints:

• Maintains inappropriate eye contact, or is constantly sneaking peeks down around the chest area
• Proclaims with pride ,”I love college!”
• Weasels his way into getting free alcohol from everyone, but never brings his own
• Thinks it’s hilarious and quirky to steal things from the fridge, like orange juice
• Claims he can outdrink everyone, turns out he can outpuke everyone as well
• He stole my fucking orange juice

4. Music

I enjoy filthy, bass heavy rap just as much as the next person, but I truly don’t fuck with “I Don’t Fuck With You”, especially after hearing it for the 3rd straight time. It encourages kids to be absolute savages. It doesn’t matter how friendly you are or how, someone at the party doesn’t fuck with you because Big Sean told them to. It only gets worse as the night progresses, because before you know it, Stacy’s drunk ass doesn’t fuck with cops as they take her to the drunk tank for the night.

5. The Bathroom

Nope. Absolutely not. I have seen evil incarnate, and it is the bathroom at many parties I’ve been to. Signs of evil I’ve encountered in the bathroom are:

• a plant of some sort coming from the toilet tank
• no toilet seat
• chunks of vomit on previously mentioned lack of toilet seat
• mold on the ceiling
• mold in the sink

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