Watching Baseball: A How-To

By Lev Novak

Baseball is the national past-time, and nothing beats a game in October- suddenly, everything matters, and you don’t have to watch the bad teams. It’s the playoffs, and it’s at once exciting and calmly boring.

Still, for such an American institution, it can be difficult to find a way to watch it. It’s boring, long, and not a party. How do you watch a game then?

1. Size Matters

The screen, that is. Same with the couch and the setting you’re in.

Look; if you’re watching a movie you really want to watch, then a laptop screen is going to cut it fine. If you’re going to be invested no matter what, a small screen isn’t an issue. But, by virtue of Baseball, you’re not. You’re going to be tempted very quickly to look away to your smart-phone if you have to strain your eyes to see a 1-2 count in the bottom of the third.

With a large screen, though, the game becomes the all-encompassing background to your hangout. Suddenly, you’re “watching the game” because you all are; how could you not? It’s right there, you’re on the couch…congratulations. You’re watching baseball, just like our fore-fathers intended.

2. Drinking

Drinking is weirdly essential to watching Baseball.

Look, I understand- drinking is something which enhances a lot of activities, and watching a lot of things. But Baseball is something special; when you drink properly, the pace of the game goes from slow to exact. When you’re a little drunk, the extra time between pitches is a blessing- it’s custom-made for easy bathroom breaks, and you’re ready at every moment. Every swing and a miss is Ohhh! and every hit is Ahhh! Being drunk makes all the tiny moments of the game that much better, and, in a sport with so many small moments, the increase in fun is dramatically higher when you drink.

I recommend having your first drink around the end of the second inning, though, and no more drinks after the eighth. That’s because the game is long, and if you’re not careful, you could end up hungover during the game. Drink in steady, almost-moderation, and you’ll be happiest.

3. Snacks

No snacks. That’s because baseball is a long, long game, and you’re going to be sick because you’re going to eat either because the game is boring, or because you’re drunk, or some combination of the two. Thus, while controversial, I advocate the “no-snack” policy of watching baseball.

Also, you have to save those snacks for football.

4. Dedication

You need dedication to watch a game with friends. There can’t be anything better that you’re going to, or an event afterwards. Games can go long, and if you have something to go to, the leisurely drinking joys of October baseball will be wasted on you. You need dedication to baseball as *the* event of your night, which is why it’s generally a better fit for a quieter night. On a Wednesday, you can’t do much better than beers and a game with friends…but on a Saturday, that dedication might be questioned.

Similarly, you should only watch the game with fans of a similar level to yours. There’s nothing worse than explaining the importance of a moment to someone who doesn’t care. Match your dedication to the dedication of the others, and your excitement will build. Get fans of the team together, or at least, those who love the sport and love drinking to participate.

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