Your Apartment Clense

By Lev Novak

So, you have a dirty apartment.

Maybe it’s filthy, or “an orphanage for unusually poorly behaved raccoons” but whatever. We’re not into titles today. We’re in to cleaning, not pointing fingers at who did or didn’t leave a hamburger under the couch for, like, three full days.

1. All You

This is the biggest, hardest point to understand, but it’s a crucial one to know now.

This is all on you.

Now, that’s not to say your room-mates won’t help. But if you’re depending on their help, their schedule, or even for them to handle their own stuff so you can fix common areas, nothing will get done at all.

If you want it done, you have to do it.

Don’t get passive aggressive. Don’t text them or try to schedule a time that works for everyone. Just do it. Relish the clean apartment. Take the high-fives, and understand that it’s their turn next time.

At the very least, have them buy you some beer.

2. Throw Everything Out

Don’t ask questions. If that hummus looks iffy, toss it. If you’re not sure if you’ll need that old plastic bag, just get rid of it now. Keeping things is what kept your apartment cluttered in the first place, and making dramatic sweeps now is the only way to make a tangible change.

So sweep, toss, and make actual progress. If someone doesn’t like your choices, tell them whatever they had was gross. Nobody is going to complain that you tossed a mysterious sock in the trash, dude. Getting rid of it makes you a hero and your apartment that much less gnarly.

3. Set It Up

A loud playlist, a time where nothing is going on (four to six PM is always a good cleaning time, any day of the week) and a motivation. Is someone coming over to visit? Have you insisted today is the day, publicly?

Set it up and set yourself up for success. Get an extra reason to do extra well and you will. Have a reason to procrastinate or stall, and you will. Which reminds me…

4. Start Cleaning When You Have Something Else To Do

Do you just not want to do a project?

Clean your apartment.

Cleaning procrastinating is a totally real thing, and while some people resent it, I think it’s a good idea. After all, if you’re going to procrastinate anyway, you might as well end up doing something better with your time than surfing non-uCribs related websites.

So, next time you have a project, break out the Swiffer. You’ll be a better cleaner, even if your project suffers. Hey, it’s a start.

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