You’re Going to Be Fine: 6 Tips for the College Hypochondriac

By Lev Novak

Heads up: I’m not a doctor, so don’t take any advice I have without seeing a health-care professional for your concerns. That said, here are some thoughts.

1. Know Yourself

Are you a hypochondriac? I am, and that, paradoxically, helps me calm down. That’s because I know, from personal experience, I can’t trust my panic. If I have a medical issue- even a small, real one- I assume it’s a precursor to something much bigger. And, time and time again, it isn’t. A rash is just a rash, a cough is just a cough, and my fever during the Swine Flu outbreak wasn’t even a fever: it was a hangover. Each and every time I was positive I was in dire medical danger. And each time I wasn’t. So now I know, when things go wrong, not to trust my fears. It helps a lot.

So first, if you got here, let me tell you: everything is going to be fine. The human body goes through a lot of stuff. Bumps, coughs, tickles, rashes, and stomach-aches are all part of the natural human experience and even scary, crazy symptoms can turn out to be fine. Urinary Tract Infections, for example, can cause some genital pain and burning during urination, and that’s something super normal and super curable. If you had those symptoms, you might freak the heck out, but you shouldn’t. And you won’t, as long as you…

2. Don’t Google, Ever.

Don’t. Don’t you dare. It is the worst thing you can do. The internet is full of the sort of people who ask Yahoo! Answers if ghosts are real, and how much those ghosts would support Ron Paul for president. That is not the place to trust your medical concerns, especially given the natural SEO pattern of illness: big, scary names get tons of clicks, and that’s what gets promoted. If you google your symptoms you’ll be directed to a whole new host of worries that get you no where.

If you must Google, then have a friend do it for you. They can filter out the unlikely scary ones and only report the relevant answers.

3. Talk It Out

Talk out your concerns and worries to a friend or two. Many people take medical worries very seriously in their own heads, but talking out the actual problem can be illuminating. In your head you might fear that your pregnant, but, talking aloud, you may realize that your symptoms can be easily explained. A friend who was worried about his stomach problems, for example, talked it out and found that his symptoms matched up with a hard partying long-weekend and unhealthy eating: vegetables and no tequila settled his stomach.

4. Start with Student Health Services…

Going can be a drag, but it’s as close to free, day-of healthcare as you’re likely to get, and a consultation is a great idea. Especially for nervous types, having an experienced pair of eyes can really calm you down and if your symptoms are annoying, a campus nurse might be able to prescribe something moderate to help you out. Plus, there’s the college experience which is helpful: if something is going around the school, Student Health Services are going to be the most prepared to help you out with it.

5…But Know Their Limitations

Student Health Services is an over-worked, hectic place, and things can get tricky. They don’t always have the materials on hand that they need or the capabilities to sort things out. I personally subscribe to a rule of thumb in my hypochondria: if they say it’s okay, take it. If they say it’s not, check elsewhere. A second opinion should be used in pursuing good news, especially for complicated illness or diagnoses. If they say you’re fine, you really are: but if they say you have something, really double-check before you panic.

A really helpful site, for example, is the following. If you’re nervous, especially about a positive test result, this really hammers home why you need a second opinion. To summaries it, the more scary and rare a disease is, the less certain a positive test for it is. Read it yourself here and take a deep, calming breath. It’s good to know in general, too. http://www.tc3.edu/instruct/sbrown/stat/falsepos.htm

It’s nothing definite, but that should really help you calm down. You probably have nothing serious, and, even if- if- a test says you do, than the test might be wrong. Not even as a “slim chance” thing, but as a real, medical thing. False positives are fairly common, but if the test says you’re negative, you almost certainly are. So go on and face your fears: the odds are tremendously in your favor.

6. All Information Is Good Information

Even in the rare, unlikely case that you have something that you fear, knowing that can help you. You can get the medicine and help you need, even if the disease sounds scary. You can power through it if you have something: but again: you almost certainly don’t, and that knowing that for sure is good information too. Peace of mind is golden.

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